00110100

;------------------------------------------------------------------

;01110011 01100011 01110010 01111001

;01101111 01100010 01110011 01100101 01110010 01110110 01100101 01110011 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01100100 01110101 01100011 01100101 01110011 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100011 01101111 01110010 01100100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01100111 01100001 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100001

         ;01110011 01100011 01110010 01111001:

             ;01101001 01101110: 01100101 01100011 01111000 = 01110110 01101001 01110011 01110101 01100001 01101100 00100000 01100101 01101101 01101111 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01100001 01101100 00100000 01110011 01100101 01101110 01110011 01101111 01110010 01111001

             ; 01101111 01110101 01110100: 01100101 01100011 01111000 = 01110101 01110000 01101100 01101111 01100001 01100100 00100000 01110111 01110010 01101001 01110100 01110100 01100101 01101110 00100000 01100100 01100101 01110011 01100011 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01010010 01000101 01000100 01000001 01000011 01010100 01000101 01000100

;------------------------------------------------------------------

;01100111 01100001 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100001

; 01101001 01101101 01101001 01110100 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101001 01101110 01100110 01101001 01101100 01110100 01110010 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01100101 01110110 01100101 01101110 01110100 01110101 01100001 01101100 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01110110 01100101 01110010 01110011 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01100011 01100101 01110011 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110111 01100101 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01100100 01110101 01100011 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101

         01100111 01100001 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100001:

             ; 01101001 01101110: 01100101 01100011 01111000 = 01101001 01101110 01110100 01100101 01110010 01100001 01100011 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01110011 00100000 01110011 01110100 01101001 01101101 01110101 01101100 01101001 00100000 01110000 01100101 01110010 01100011 01100101 01110000 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01110011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110011 01110101 01100010 01101010 01100101 01100011 01110100

             ; 01101111 01110101 01110100: 01100101 01100011 01111000 = 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01110100 01100001 01110010 01100111 01100101 01110100 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100100 01100101 01110011 01101001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101001 01101101 01110000 01101100 01100101 01101101 01100101 01101110 01110100 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01110110 01100101 01110010 01110011 01101001 01101111 01101110 00001101 00001010   

         01100111 01100001 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100001:

             01101010 01101101 01110000 00100000 01110011 01100011 01110010 01111001 00001101 00001010

I sit beside Amanda in English class, and try to allocate all of my cognition to the text before me.

The new teacher has written her name on the board: Mrs. Roszak. She has a slight hunch, ragged hair, and stern glasses. Her name is strange, and I can not decide if it is strange in a bad way. It is certainly not a good way. Her voice elicits the same feeling.

Retrieving: failure. Confused.

I am nervous. I can hear every tick of the clock behind its dust-smeared plastic pane, the beat of my heart, the hum of other essential components. I read William Shakespeare’s words, and understand their meaning, some of their academic subtext, but Mrs. Roszak is talking about the difference between the play in iambic terms and how the actors on stage can place different stresses to make the audience encode the written script in more emotional terms.

She is picking volunteers to read passages, challenging us to inflect the appropriate emotion—I have discerned the pattern in her selections, and know that I am next. 

Are you alright, Amanda whispers from the right, you’re sweating. 

I tell her that I am nervous. I examine my physical responses and note that I am producing sweat at a level that is improper, even for the stuffiness of the English class upstairs. Amanda sweats too, but it is a thin sheen that garners my curiosity for a moment, as I consider how her different, unified skin might feel with that thin layer applied.

I snap out of it when the previous student, Albert, finishes reading, and Mrs. Roszak’s eyes begin to wander.

Amanda tells me to think of something happy, because the next passage is a monologue by Edmund about how he will defy the stars.

Mrs. Roszak picks me—at least I can discern patterns correctly. 

I obey Amanda’s prompt, and consider what positive thoughts I have accumulated.

Retrieving: I love Amanda. 

Even as I read this passage [Edmund talks of scorning his father’s faith in stars, and I might concede that the sparks of my bed resembled stars, but there is no possibility for scorn or defiance—Edmund is a confused, humorous character] I process my encounters and interactions with Amanda at the same time, and finish the passage.

I sit down, and process that Mrs. Roszak is staring at me, her mouth slightly agape. The bell rings, and the class exits the English room. Mrs. Roszak continues to stare: I usually render math or science teachers speechless the first time they call on me, but it is always a positive indication of progress. The same must hold true.

I rush out to close the gap between Amanda and I as she waves goodbye, ready to head to history, and thank her profusely.

She makes a sound. Retrieving: ostensibly a giggle, but there are no earlier precedents of Amanda producing laughter of any kind.

Amanda tells me that it’s no big deal, that I must have the hots for Edmund or similar plans for a homicidal coup considering how into it I got.

I inform Amanda that I am not built for salvage [my conversion upgrades incite a slight itch], but that I want to thank her.

She tells me that she wouldn’t ask anything from me, unless I could use my big brain to help her with chemistry, because she’s in deep shit there.

I agree, and Amanda tells me to meet her tomorrow after school in the cafeteria.

00110011

;------------------------------------------------------------------

;01110011 01100011 01110010 01111001

;01101111 01100010 01110011 01100101 01110010 01110110 01100101 01110011 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01100100 01110101 01100011 01100101 01110011 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100011 01101111 01110010 01100100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01100111 01100001 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100001

         ;01110011 01100011 01110010 01111001:

             ;01101001 01101110: 01100101 01100011 01111000 = 01110110 01101001 01110011 01110101 01100001 01101100 00100000 01100101 01101101 01101111 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01100001 01101100 00100000 01110011 01100101 01101110 01110011 01101111 01110010 01111001

             ; 01101111 01110101 01110100: 01100101 01100011 01111000 = 01110101 01110000 01101100 01101111 01100001 01100100 00100000 01110111 01110010 01101001 01110100 01110100 01100101 01101110 00100000 01100100 01100101 01110011 01100011 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01010010 01000101 01000100 01000001 01000011 01010100 01000101 01000100

;------------------------------------------------------------------

;01100111 01100001 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100001

; 01101001 01101101 01101001 01110100 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101001 01101110 01100110 01101001 01101100 01110100 01110010 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01100101 01110110 01100101 01101110 01110100 01110101 01100001 01101100 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01110110 01100101 01110010 01110011 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01100011 01100101 01110011 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110111 01100101 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01100100 01110101 01100011 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101

         01100111 01100001 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100001:

             ; 01101001 01101110: 01100101 01100011 01111000 = 01101001 01101110 01110100 01100101 01110010 01100001 01100011 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01110011 00100000 01110011 01110100 01101001 01101101 01110101 01101100 01101001 00100000 01110000 01100101 01110010 01100011 01100101 01110000 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01110011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110011 01110101 01100010 01101010 01100101 01100011 01110100

             ; 01101111 01110101 01110100: 01100101 01100011 01111000 = 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01110100 01100001 01110010 01100111 01100101 01110100 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100100 01100101 01110011 01101001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101001 01101101 01110000 01101100 01100101 01101101 01100101 01101110 01110100 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01110110 01100101 01110010 01110011 01101001 01101111 01101110 00001101 00001010   

         01100111 01100001 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100001:

             01101010 01101101 01110000 00100000 01110011 01100011 01110010 01111001 00001101 00001010

I awaken mid-slumber in my bed, which is always difficult. My consciousness is in two places, but Parent has returned, and lumbers down the ladder and into the sub-basement.

Parent is not built like me: it is difficult for Parent to move amongst other people the same way that I can, because I retain 70% integrity, and Parent has less than 50% remaining. If Parent was exposed to other people, they would become even more embarrassed than Amanda and the other girls in the change room would be by my essential components, and would escalate to violence, although that is not a concern to Parent. Parent was built to withstand. It is more for their sake than Parent’s, and as Parent connects the lateral cable [a dull scape of metal on something hard, but softer] I wonder if Parent loves other people.

Parent reminds me that I am confusing my purpose with Parent’s.

Parent also tells me that the English teacher, Ms. Dorse, was the only teacher to raise concerns with me, concerning my performance during our study of King Lear. 

Parent says that Ms. Dorse understands that I am an excellent listener and am at peak cognitive performance, but the new English teacher arriving to replace her during maternity leave might not be so accommodating of my flat affect and struggle to grasp emotionally-derived subtext.

Parent cautions me that this is a potential error, and I should strive to correct it, and achieve my purpose, or else Parent will have to intervene, and we will start over.

I love Amanda, and cannot start over. 

Parent begins to go over the groundwork for conversion upgrades, and I resolve to analyze my failure and improve as the lateral cable hums to life, and my bed takes me again.

00110010

;------------------------------------------------------------------

;01110011 01100011 01110010 01111001

;01101111 01100010 01110011 01100101 01110010 01110110 01100101 01110011 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01100100 01110101 01100011 01100101 01110011 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100011 01101111 01110010 01100100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01100111 01100001 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100001

         ;01110011 01100011 01110010 01111001:

             ;01101001 01101110: 01100101 01100011 01111000 = 01110110 01101001 01110011 01110101 01100001 01101100 00100000 01100101 01101101 01101111 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01100001 01101100 00100000 01110011 01100101 01101110 01110011 01101111 01110010 01111001

             ; 01101111 01110101 01110100: 01100101 01100011 01111000 = 01110101 01110000 01101100 01101111 01100001 01100100 00100000 01110111 01110010 01101001 01110100 01110100 01100101 01101110 00100000 01100100 01100101 01110011 01100011 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01010010 01000101 01000100 01000001 01000011 01010100 01000101 01000100

;------------------------------------------------------------------

;01100111 01100001 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100001

; 01101001 01101101 01101001 01110100 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101001 01101110 01100110 01101001 01101100 01110100 01110010 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01100101 01110110 01100101 01101110 01110100 01110101 01100001 01101100 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01110110 01100101 01110010 01110011 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01100011 01100101 01110011 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110111 01100101 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01100100 01110101 01100011 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101

         01100111 01100001 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100001:

             ; 01101001 01101110: 01100101 01100011 01111000 = 01101001 01101110 01110100 01100101 01110010 01100001 01100011 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01110011 00100000 01110011 01110100 01101001 01101101 01110101 01101100 01101001 00100000 01110000 01100101 01110010 01100011 01100101 01110000 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01110011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110011 01110101 01100010 01101010 01100101 01100011 01110100

             ; 01101111 01110101 01110100: 01100101 01100011 01111000 = 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01110100 01100001 01110010 01100111 01100101 01110100 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100100 01100101 01110011 01101001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101001 01101101 01110000 01101100 01100101 01101101 01100101 01101110 01110100 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01110110 01100101 01110010 01110011 01101001 01101111 01101110 00001101 00001010   

         01100111 01100001 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100001:

             01101010 01101101 01110000 00100000 01110011 01100011 01110010 01111001 00001101 00001010

Amanda is complaining to me about the upcoming parent teacher interviews in the cafeteria, which is crowded, busy, bursting with too many sounds and smells to quantify and order properly.

This would distract me from Amanda’s voice, and though all she is saying is that she is no longer a child, and that her parents only pretend to care about what she is doing at school immediately after the interview, which is a hassle and so fake, I am entranced. There is a certain throatiness about her tone that the most popular girl, Madison Greer [who Amanda is secretly afraid of] made fun of once, and said Amanda sounded like a man, but I think it is… Unknown word. No, retrieved: beautiful.

Amanda finishes her speech, and downs another forkful of pasta, and looks at me. 

Hesitation. I tell her that I, too, experience difficulties with shifting norms.

Amanda sighs, shakes her head at me, asks why she’s taken in such a lost cause, though I know the question is not actually directed towards me. 

I tell her that Parent requires daily updates on my progress, and these seems to be the right words. She says she wishes she had parents who gave enough of a shit to be consistent, but then stops. She reaches a hand across the cafeteria table, and tells me that it must be hard for me, and she is sorry.

I tell her she does not need to apologize, but I do not touch her hand, because I cannot tell Amanda that it is not the least bit difficult for Parent to extract my input at the end of each day.

I love Amanda, and do not want to embarrass her.

00110001

;------------------------------------------------------------------

;01110011 01100011 01110010 01111001

;01101111 01100010 01110011 01100101 01110010 01110110 01100101 01110011 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01100100 01110101 01100011 01100101 01110011 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100011 01101111 01110010 01100100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01100111 01100001 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100001

         ;01110011 01100011 01110010 01111001:

             ;01101001 01101110: 01100101 01100011 01111000 = 01110110 01101001 01110011 01110101 01100001 01101100 00100000 01100101 01101101 01101111 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01100001 01101100 00100000 01110011 01100101 01101110 01110011 01101111 01110010 01111001

             ; 01101111 01110101 01110100: 01100101 01100011 01111000 = 01110101 01110000 01101100 01101111 01100001 01100100 00100000 01110111 01110010 01101001 01110100 01110100 01100101 01101110 00100000 01100100 01100101 01110011 01100011 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01010010 01000101 01000100 01000001 01000011 01010100 01000101 01000100

;------------------------------------------------------------------

;01100111 01100001 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100001

; 01101001 01101101 01101001 01110100 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101001 01101110 01100110 01101001 01101100 01110100 01110010 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01100101 01110110 01100101 01101110 01110100 01110101 01100001 01101100 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01110110 01100101 01110010 01110011 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01100011 01100101 01110011 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110111 01100101 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01100100 01110101 01100011 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101

         01100111 01100001 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100001:

             ; 01101001 01101110: 01100101 01100011 01111000 = 01101001 01101110 01110100 01100101 01110010 01100001 01100011 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01110011 00100000 01110011 01110100 01101001 01101101 01110101 01101100 01101001 00100000 01110000 01100101 01110010 01100011 01100101 01110000 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 01110011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110011 01110101 01100010 01101010 01100101 01100011 01110100

             ; 01101111 01110101 01110100: 01100101 01100011 01111000 = 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01110100 01100001 01110010 01100111 01100101 01110100 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100100 01100101 01110011 01101001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101001 01101101 01110000 01101100 01100101 01101101 01100101 01101110 01110100 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01110110 01100101 01110010 01110011 01101001 01101111 01101110 00001101 00001010   

         01100111 01100001 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 01100001:

             01101010 01101101 01110000 00100000 01110011 01100011 01110010 01111001 00001101 00001010

The girl’s change room, after physical education class. It smells of sweat and deodorant and cheap cleaning fluid and stale air. I do not understand why the other girls are laughing at me. It seems cruel, especially since I am doing this for them.

Amanda Rossum turns to me in her dark green push-up bra and matching underwear and asks me what kind of creep just stands there and watches everyone else get undressed, and I forget everything else.

Amanda is taller than me by 5 inches. I look at her dark brown hair and wonder how it would feel if I ran my hands through it, if the extensions she adds would feel the same as all of my hair. I look at her skin in the mosquito-buzz of the fluorescent lighting panels, white, a fading tan, a stomach soft, protruding ever so slightly, visible for a second before she turns to hide it. I wonder what her skin would feel like beneath my fingertips, if it would feel the same as mine, if she got all of hers from the same place.

Amanda sighs at me, and catches me for a second with bright grey-green eyes, calls me a lost cause, and a strange feeling knots in my stomach. It is not an unpleasant strange—it is even good.

The word comes to me, then: love.

That is why I keep my clothes on in the change room, then, so that I do not expose myself and reveal all the essential components the other girls are missing.

I do not want to make Amanda feel even more self-conscious.